ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He shit in the fireplace
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
