so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
