The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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