Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
