Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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