im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
