I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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