He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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