Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize