I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My dick has a subreddit
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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