My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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