ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
there is another microwave in the elevator.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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