i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
