i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
