does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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