Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
