so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
