Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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