Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
