I'm going to jail i love you
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
