In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
