Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize