Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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