I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
