That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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