Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
