who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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