when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Randomize
