just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
