I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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