filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize