I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
