what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
