I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
