He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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