True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
