GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
