I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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