Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Randomize
