My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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