..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
