PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He passed out mid-signature
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
