"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
