My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Everclear isn't food dammit
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
