he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Randomize
