it hurts more in the daytime
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
And then my night got REAL pukey
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
