you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
