My liver just broke up with me...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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