I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
