My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
