I hate all girls vehemently.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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