be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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