I puked a lego.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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