I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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