dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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