I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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