my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
accomplished twins. life is a go
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
