I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
