You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
