don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize